Spring has sprung and your consultant has been allowed to let some more allegedly amusing items see the light of day. Please note that no liability is accepted if anyone drops their cup of tea while reading them.
You won’t hear from me for a while.
I’m being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables.
I gotta Lilo.
Husband says to his wife “We should wash your knickers in Slim Fast, it might make your fat arse look thinner.”
The next day putting his pants on, he notices that they are covered in powder. “Have you put talc in my pants?” he asks. “No” replies the wife “It’s miracle grow.”
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, ‘If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
With even greater emphasis he said, ‘And if I had All the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, ‘And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, ‘For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, ‘We Shall Gather at the River.’
A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”
The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.”
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”
John always wanted to have sex with a gorgeous girl in his office, but she was going out with someone else.
One day, John got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, ‘I’ll give you £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
John said, ‘I’ll be quick. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up. ‘
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, ‘Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down.’
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, ‘The bastard used coins!’
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed !!
Updated Nursery Rhymes
Mary had a little lamb,
It ran into a pylon,
33,000 volts went up its arse,
And turned its wool to Nylon.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
The wall had a major structural defect,
So he won ten grand with Claims Direct.
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry,
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ‘cos he was gay.
Jack and Jill went into town,
To buy some chips and sweeties,
Now Jack can’t keep his heart rate down,
And Jill has diabetes.
For those of you old enough (!) to remember when men were men and women were on ration (i.e. WW2) here is a version that is a commentary on what happened when the Americans invaded the UK prior to D Day:-
Jack and Jill went up the hill for a bit of hanky-panky,
Jill came down with half-a-crown-he must have been a Yankie!
Thanks to Roger, Trevor, an anonymous consultant and Hugh for some of the material used on this page.