Back by popular request and with a new chief consultant following the
escape retirement of the previous inmate incumbent here are some moderately amusing items for your delectation.
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: “Here, put these on.” She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your trousers,” she said. “That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the one who wears the trousers in this relationship.” With that she flipped him her knickers and said: “Try these on.” He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell,” he said. ”I can’t get into your knickers!” She replied: “That’s right… and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: “I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest.” 24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man “why didn’t you raise your hand?” The man replied: “Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge.”
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.Where are you from, son?”
“Essex, sir,” the boy replied.
“Well, why did you leave Essex?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and football players there.”
“Really?” said the manager, “My wife’s from Essex.”
The boy replied, “Really? Who does she play for?”
Some important advice to married men. Never raise your hand to a lady. It leaves your groin area unprotected.
I lost my hair at age sixteen. What a card game that was!
I worked in a circus for twenty years. I was kept on cos I was the only one who knew how to get the tent back in the bag.
When I was at the circus my best friend was a contortionist. He sadly passed away while performing a new position. He died in his own arms.
The circus had a fortune teller and I sat for a reading. “You will never have children” she predicted. Just then her crystal ball rolled off the table and crushed me knackers!
My father knew the exact day he would die. A judge told him.
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”
The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
“You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”
A young vicar is appointed to a Staffordshire rural parish and decides to do the rounds and visit his new flock. He arrives at a farm to see the old farmer kissing one of his cows on the backside.
“Good morning” says the vicar. “May I enquire as to why you seem to be kissing your cows rear end?”
“Oi be kissing ‘er on the arse cos I’ve got chapped lips” the old farmer replied.
“How does that help cure your chapped lips?” the vicar politely enquired.
“It don’t but it stops me lickin’ em!”
I was travelling down the M6 the other day when all the traffic suddenly stopped.
Across the road was a Staples truck, a WHSmith trailer and an Office Depot van.
Then the traffic report came on the radio warning me of stationery traffic ahead………
A major F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
This announcement followed their decision to take advantage of the British government’s ‘Work for your Dole’ scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 3 seconds without proper equipment, whereas the existing crew could only do it in 3 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving them an advantage over every other team.
However, they got more than they bargained for! At the crew’s first practice session, not only was the Scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 3 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to one of the other F1 teams for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Hamilton’s bird in the shower.
The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, “What are you doing?” “Fishing” replied the old man. Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.”
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, “So how many have you caught today?”
“You’re the eighth” says the old man.
A guide is leading a client up a challenging first ascent. Every time the guide gets to a particularly dangerous section, he stops and puts on the same red shirt. The guide climbs pitch after difficult pitch, beautifully. As they near the top, the client finally asks about the red shirt. “If I had fallen,” says the wise and courageous guide, ” this shirt would disguise the blood, and you would not be frightened and loose heart.” “Amazing,” thought the client, marvelling at this forethought. The next day, as they neared the summit, a section more difficult than any before loomed above them. The guide started up, then climbed down and started rummaging in his pack. “What are you looking for?” asked the client. “My brown trousers.”
One day, a man walked into a dentist’s surgery and asked how much it would cost to extract a wisdom tooth.
“Forty quid,” the dentist said.
“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man said. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”
“Well,” the dentist said, “if you don’t use an anaesthetic, I can knock the price down to 30 pounds.”
Looking annoyed, the man said, “That’s still far too expensive!”
“Okay,” said the dentist. “If I save on time and simply rip the tooth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to 10 pounds.”
“Nope,” moaned the man, “it’s still too much.”
“Well,” said the dentist finally, scratching his head, “if I let one of my students do it using pliers, I suppose I can knock the price down to a fiver.”
“Marvellous!” said the man. “Book my wife in for next Tuesday!”
A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.
“Look at the size of his todger,” says the man. “It’s massive!”
“Yes dear,” says the woman. “But at least he’s got your ears.”
An atheist was walking along through a forest admiring all that the accident of nature had produced. A river rippled along near the track whilst birds flew overhead. All was beautiful. Suddenly he heard a loud crashing noise behind him, and looking round, saw a large bear come out of the bushes and start to come towards him. He turned and ran but the bear closed the gap. The man suddenly tripped over a root and fell, the bear closing in, lowering one paw and raising the other to strike. In desperation the atheist cried” Help me God”.
Everything stopped. The river stopped flowing, the birds stopped flying and there was total silence. A light shone down onto the scene and a voice said “After all these years as an atheist you now dare to call on me for help”? The atheist replied “maybe it’s too late for me now but can you do one thing for me”?
“What is that” said God?
“Perhaps you could turn the bear into a Christian”, said the atheist. “Very well” said God.
The river and all the other activities began again. The atheist looked at the bear who slowly lifted his left paw from the man and dropping his right paw, brought them together, and said “For what we are about to receive….”
A Mother was reading a Bible story to her young daughter. She read “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt”.
Her daughter asked, “What happened to the flea?”
I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36 DDs.
It was a ridiculously long name.
Q: What do you call a Norwegian prostitute?
A: A Fjord Escort
A small boy is separated from his father at a football match, so he goes up to a policeman and says, “I’ve lost my dad!” “What’s he like?” the copper enquires. “Beer and loose women…”
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said: “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stuck.”
His friend said: “I have an idea! Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled.” Adam decided to take his friend’s advice. The next day at the bar his friend said: “Well? Did you take my suggestion?” “Yes, I did,” Adam replied. “Did she like it?” “Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling: “I’ll be back in an hour!!”
Thanks to Terry, Trevor, Mike and Hugh for some of the material used on this page.