The Vicar was holding a phone call with the Bishop when he mentioned that his beloved pedal cycle had been stolen. The Bishop listened intently and suggested that one way to find out who had stolen it was really quite simple. He said to the Vicar that he should talk about the loss next Sunday. The Vicar enquired as to how this should be achieved, to which the Bishop told him to preach on the subject of the Ten Commandments.

“Simple “ said the Bishop, “as all the village attends the service, you should build up to the point of ‘thou shall not steal’, pause and look hard at the congregation. Try to see who looks very uncomfortable or is trying to hide their face and have a word with them after the service ends. I’m sure you will get the bike back."

“That’s a very good idea” replied the Vicar.

The following Sunday the Bishop decided that, as he himself had no service to take, he would visit the parish to see what happened. All was well at the start; the hymns were sung, the prayers said. The vicar started his sermon and proceeded as had been suggested, lecturing on the Ten Commandments, to the delight of the Bishop.

After a short while, the vicar paused, became very flustered and red faced, coughed, and announced the closing hymn.

The Bishop looked at his watch, for the service was curtailed in less than three quarters of an hour. He went outside as the parishioners left, to see what had gone wrong.

“Why, what happened?” enquired the Bishop. “You didn’t even get to ‘thou shall not steal’!”.

“No” replied the Vicar…………….

“I got to ‘thou shall not commit adultery’ when I remembered where I left it”.

There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

A bloke goes to the doctor and says: "Doc, I've got a lettuce stuck up my bum". The doctor has a feel about and says: "I'm sorry sir, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

There's an Irish contestant on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? who doesn't know answer. Chris Tarrant says: "Don't forget you've got 50/50, ask the audience and phone a friend."

The Irishman says: "I'll phone a friend, please Chris."

He gets on the phone and says: "Hi Seamus, I just want to ask you, do you think I should do 50/50 or ask the audience?"

There's a little boy who loves tractors. On his 17th birthday, his mother gives him a trip to a tractor fair, but he gets badly injured, leading to a lengthy stay in hospital. He says he's never going near tractors again.

Years later, he's in a bar when he catches the eye of a beautiful young lady. She's crying, and he asks her what her trouble is.

She replies: " It's all the smoke."

He thinks: 'What can I do to make this better?' He then blows, which stops her crying. She asks him how he did it and he says: "Well I'm an ex-tractor fan."

The Pope comes in one day and says to his cardinals: "It seems the Jews have challenged us to golf."

The cardinals protest that they're no good at golf, and say: "Why don't we ask Jack Nicklaus to become an honorary cardinal, then he can play for the Vatican?"

So Jack Nicklaus goes out and plays the game, and comes back with his head in his hands.

"What's wrong?" the Pope asked. "Well, it was OK at the start," said Nicklaus. "But did you ever hear of Rabbi Tiger Woods?"

A duck goes into a grocery shop and asks: "Have you got any matches?"

The grocer says: "No."

The duck goes back three times, and every time the grocer says the same.

The fourth time the duck asks, the owner says: "Look. If you come in here one more time and say that, I'm going to nail your beak to the counter."

The next day the duck goes in the shop again and asks: "Have you got any nails?"

"No," the grocer replies.

"OK," says the duck. "Got any matches?"

A bloke goes to see his farmer friend and sees a pig walking along with a wooden leg.

"Why has your pig got a wooden leg?" he asks.

The farmer says: "That pig is a great pig; it got five As at A-level, it can count, and it's my children's best friend."

"Yes, but why does it have a wooden leg?" asks the bloke.

"He saved my wife and kids in a fire, and he's the best pig we've ever had," answers the farmer.

"But you haven't answered my question," says the bloke.

"Are you stupid?" said the farmer."You wouldn't eat a pig like that all at once."

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. 

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?", he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY.  I can`t stand to see a man crying." 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.  I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.  When I went to the car park, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any comprehensive insurance. I left my wallet in the taxi I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me." 
 
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!  But enough about me, how's your day going?"

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend footballing with the boys and spending all his wages.

When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.

After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games.

The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: 'I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down.'

The man is incredulous and asks why.

The vet says: 'Because he's far too heavy.'

There were three women sitting in a doctor's office, a blond, a brunette, and a red-head. They were all pregnant.

"I'm having a boy because I was on the bottom," said the brunette.

"Well, I'm having a girl because I was on top," said the red-head.

All of a sudden the blond started crying. They asked her what was wrong.

"I'm having puppies," exclaimed the blond.

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.

They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?!
BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE RUBBISH!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF RUBBISH THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.

They agree that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes and that they will meet up again in a few days to share a coffee and compare notes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...' then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the remote and a beer, and said,

'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

Ben, Pete and Nick went to a car race one day. Unfortunately, a race car crashed through the fence into the spectators and they were killed.

Being good God-fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they where met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He said, "Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we do have our rules in Heaven. If you break them, you'll be punished.

One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on."

That sounded simple enough. They passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to find there were ducks everywhere! In no time at all, Ben stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it just went on and on.

Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman in tow. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." He chained the homely woman to Ben and said, "You will be together forever," and walked away.

Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Pete accidentally stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and made a terrible commotion that just went on and on.

Sure enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." With that, he chained the woman to Pete and said, "The two of you will be together for all eternity," and walked away.

Well, Nick was very careful not to step on a duck. One day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous blonde. He chained her to Nick and said, "You will be together now and forever more," and walked away.

Nick exclaimed, "Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?"

"I don't know about you," said the beautiful woman, "but I stepped on a duck..."

A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition.

The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived.

The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered,

"I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."

A group of legionnaires strode through the scorching desert.

They hadn't had water for three days and hadn't eaten for a week but they did not crack, and kept marching solidly on. Suddenly one of them froze, "Psssst" said he. His companion halted, and strained their eyes to where the first legionnaire was pointing.

"Le voila", said he, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon"? And sure enough, there it stood, proudly and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree.

Slowly they crept forward towards the mystery object far off. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they were within a stone's throw of the bacon tree.

Even nearer they crept, and suddenly, a shot rang out, dropping one of the legionnaires in his tracks. The other legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thudded into the sand around them. The other two returned fire, and gave first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandaged him, they could hear his faint voice -

"Zat was no bacon tree," he gasped, "Zat was an 'am bush."

Thanks to Nigel, Trevor, Dave, Chris, Tim and Pete, for some of the material.

Consult on!