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Throckmorton Kingdom Brunel

A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache.

The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party.

When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test.

She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him.

Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if he'd had fun. He told her he hadn't.

After a few minutes at the party, he and some friends had gone across the street to play poker.

He added, "The bloke who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!"

Two pensioners were sitting at the breakfast table.

"George," said Ethel as she leaned towards him looking lovingly into his eyes, "my bosom is just as hot for you as when we married fifty years ago."

" Don't be ridiculous, Ethel ; one's in your coffee and the other's in your porridge!"

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ..'I think the man would have said - 'Well, bugger me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A grandmother was bathing her two grandchildren, a seven year old boy and his six year old sister. At school that day the boy had been taught the correct names for his bits.
" Do you know what this is called?" he asked his sister.
" Of course, it's your willy."
"No, it's my penis."
"Don't be silly; they play pianos."

An overweight blonde went to see her doctor for some advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the whole twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

A man walks into a doctor's surgery and says, "I have a problem with my willy!"

The lady at the counter says, "Sir, we do not say words like that at the doctors office! Now leave and come back and replace "willy" with some other body part like "Ear."

The man does as he's told and comes back in and says, "I have a problem with my ear."

The lady the says, "What is that?"

To which the man replied, "I can't pee out of it!"

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke 

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,  

 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?' 

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

 'F off! Ye'll no bring it back!'

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Welshman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious croissants and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

When the Welshman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender for some drinks:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."

Bartender: "What is a B and C?"

Brunette: "Bacardi and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."

Bartender: "What's a G and T?"

Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."

Bartender: "What's a 15?"

Blonde: "7 and 7"

An Englishwoman and her young son were travelling in a taxi in New York. As they were driving through a rather seedy looking part of town, the boy became fascinated by the garishly made up women in short skirts and high heels who seemed to be accosting some of the men passing by.

"Mummy" the boy asked, "what are those ladies doing?"

The mother, clearly embarrassed by the question, replied: "I expect they're lost and are asking people for directions"

The taxi driver overhead this and interrupted: "why not tell me boy the truth? Those women are prostitutes."

The mother blushed more brightly at this remark but the boy wouldn't let it go:

"What are prostitutes Mummy? Are they like other women? Do they have children too?"

"Of course" the mother replied, "that's where New York taxi drivers come from."

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM   

Dear Diary,
  
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
  
Although I am still in great shape since being a gymnast 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
  
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal  trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
 
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
  

MONDAY:
  
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found  it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing  eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
  
Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my tummy was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:
  
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door.
  
Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I  made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
  
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the windowsill and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a another car in the club car park.
 
Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by lifts? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other garbage too.

THURSDAY :
  
Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
 
Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the ladies. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
  
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY :
  
I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic little #@*. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
 
Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
 
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :
  
Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not turn up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Sky menu.

SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little &%$!*) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

"Doctor, Doctor, I've got a tennis ball stuck up my bum!"
" What the deuce?"

"Doctor, Doctor, I've got a bar of soap stuck up my bum!"
"That's life, boy!"

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the man out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

Consult on!