A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer!"

"Well, now, not so fast," said the officer. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back garden is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy ticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me £20, or off it comes.'"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's(loss of memory) and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but the NHS will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The NHS recommends that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town - If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

A  Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. 
Paddy ordered a whisky. 
The  stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a  drink. 
He replied in disgust "I'd rather  be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and  said 
"Me too, I didn't know we had a  choice!"   

Paddy  calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The  operator asks "How many people are flying with  you?" 
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's  your bloody plane!"  

Paddy  and Murphy are working on a building site.  
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day  off.  I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" 
He  climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and  shouts 

"I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT  BULB!" 

Murphy watches in amazement!  
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go  home" 
So he leaves the site.  
Murphy starts packing his kit up to  leave as well. 
"Where the hell are you  going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work  in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.  

Two Irish couples  decided to swap partners for the night.  
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says  "I wonder how the girls are getting  on".

Paddy takes his new  wife to bed on their wedding night. 
She  undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and  says
"You know what I want, don't you?"  
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bed  by the looks of it!"  

Paddy, the  electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!  

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of  the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach  was asked to identify her. 
A detective  held up the head to which point Paddy said "I  don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"  

Paddy and his wife are lying in  bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. 
Paddy says "To hell with  this!" and storms off. 
He comes back  upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What  did you do?" 
Paddy replies "I've put the  dog in  our garden. Let's see how they  like it!" 

Paddy is said to be shocked at  finding out all his cows have blue tongue.  
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even  know they had mobile phones!"  

Mick  and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby  cemetery. 
Mick says "Crikey! There's a  bloke here who was 152!" 
Paddy says  "What's his name?" 
Mick replies "Miles,  from London!"

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.
I'm so excited! I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street. I don't have to cross the road!

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed, lest Rome become bankrupt.  People must again learn to work instead of living on public assistance."

     - Cicero , 55 BC

So, evidently, the Government has not learned much in the past 2,067 years.

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in  London.

Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland  we could make a fortune.Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think were thickos from  Ireland  and try to screw us. I'll put on my best English accent".

"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from  Ireland  , aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners" !

Yeah ! Verily !................................

For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed laws on gay marriage and legalized marijuana. 

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says  "If a man lies with another man...they should be stoned."  

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

  Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"

"That is remarkable value" Michael comments.

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 Euro please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 Euros. - You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro. I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please?"

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame."

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir."

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 Euros."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager!"

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 Euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do, Mr. O'Leary,"

"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his Email address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cents per second."

"I will never use this bar again."

"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro"

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

Paddy  decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later  the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar  diabetes.”
Paddy  says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

It  was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself  around and that’s what it’s all about.

A  Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being  interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked  off!

Paddy  caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts  the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says"Don't laugh, you're  next!!"

An Irishmen wanting to become a priest went to see the Bishop who said"You must answer three questions on the Bible. 1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum," he replied.
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus?"
"It  kills 99% of all germs," he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount of Olives?"
"That’s easy," he said. "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!"

Little  boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as  a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind son, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Two  Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women, the prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now."
Three weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "But it shouldn't be long now though, her clothes arrived yesterday!!"

In  hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head  gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The  police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.   She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.  

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,

"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:  
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.  

BRAINS OF BRITAIN
(these are real!!)

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm

Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.

Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis.

Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country.. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO?  MANCHESTER)

Phil: What's 11 squared?

Contestant: I don't know.

Phil: I'll give you a clue.. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er. ... ...

Richard: He makes bread . . ...

Contestant: Er .. ......

Richard: He makes cakes . . ..

Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller: Japan.

Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er ........ Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant: No.

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN:"Hello!"

WOMAN: "Hi darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN:"Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN:"I also stopped by the Ford showroom and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN:"How much?"

WOMAN: "£37,000."

MAN:"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN:"Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £570,000 for it."

MAN:"Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £550,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra twenty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN:"Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment,mouths wide open.

He turns and asks,"Anyone know who's phone this is?"

Woman: Do you drink?
Man: Yes.

Woman: How much a day?
Man: 3 six packs.

Woman: How much per 6 pack
Man: about £10.00.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years.

Woman: So one 6 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000. Correct?
Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you hadn't drunk away all that money, it could have been put into an interest bearing savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Woman: No.Man: Where's your Ferrari then?

Question: 

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer: 

First - Lets pose the following question:

You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you. 

You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. 
What do you do?

BRITISH POLICE OFFICER: 

Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home? 
 
 
AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:

BANG!


AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER: 

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!   'click'....
(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping’!) 

CHURCH SQUIRRELS
There were five houses of religion in a small town in the USA:

The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church,
The Lutheran Church ,
The Catholic Church and
The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Lutheran Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called Circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

" Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked my wife.
"No," I said. She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
" Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I replied. She gave me an even sexier little smile before reaching into her bra and pulling out a crumpled 50 pound note.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen £30,000 all crumpled up?"
"No," I replied, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

A mother-in-law came home and found her son-in-law furiously packing his suitcase.
"What has happened?"she asked.
" I'll tell you what's happened! I emailed my wife to tell her I was coming home from my business trip today. I got home and guess what I found? My wife, yes your Rachel, stark naked with a naked chap in our marital bed. That is the end of our marriage, I'm leaving for good!"
"Calm down, dear," said mother-in-law, "there's something odd about this story. Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check with her to see what's happened."
Moments later, she came back, smiling broadly.
"You see, I said there must be a simple explanation.....Rachel didn't receive your email."

A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at the island. She comes up to the chap and she says, "How long has it been since you had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a whisky?"

He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him. He takes a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Hell's teeth! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

One day a man was out playing golf, when he sliced his shot off into a patch of buttercups. Rather disgusted with himself, he went in search of his ball. After finding it, he was ready to hit the ball back on the fairway when he heard a voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups". Startled, he looked around to find the source of the voice to no avail.

Again the man prepared to hit his golf ball and again he heard the voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups". This time when the man looked to find the source of the voice, he saw a small leprechaun standing by him.

The little man spoke to the man and said, "Please sir, if you will kindly pick up your ball and throw it up onto the fairway instead of hitting it with your club, I will reward you with a year's supply of butter for free".

The man thought about the offer for a minute then replied, "That's a fine offer, but I have but one question for you, where were you last week when I hit my ball into the pussywillows?"

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets. On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her.

He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It's all right ma'am, they're just golf balls."

She nodded and smiled sympathetically said, "Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"

Thanks to David, Trevor, Francis, Mike, Terry, Mel. Angie and Paul for some of the material.

Consult on!