One  day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.  

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want..'

So he tied  her up and went  to his model railway club.

A  woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.  

She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your  bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I  pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get  out.'

Marriage  is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a  husband.

  A wife  was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her  husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some  more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!  TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE  BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER  listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?  Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget  to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'  

The wife stared at him. 'What in the  world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'  

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm  driving.'

WIFE:

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? 

HUSBAND: 

Definitely not! 

WIFE: 

Why not - don't you like being married? 

HUSBAND: 

Of course I do. 

WIFE: 

Then why wouldn't you remarry? 

HUSBAND: 

Okay, I'd get married again.. 

WIFE: 

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face). 

HUSBAND: 

(Makes audible groan). 

WIFE: 

Would you live in our house? 

HUSBAND: 

Sure, it's a great house. 

WIFE: 

Would you sleep with her in our bed? 

HUSBAND: 

Where else would we sleep? 

WIFE: 

Would you let her drive my car? 

HUSBAND: 

Probably, it is almost new. 

WIFE: 

Would you replace my pictures with hers? 

HUSBAND: 

That would seem like the proper thing to do. 

WIFE: 

Would she use my golf clubs? 

HUSBAND: 

No, she's left-handed. 

WIFE: 
- silence - - 

HUSBAND: 
Oh sh..t!!!!!! 

Extracts from letters to the Beth Johnson Housing Association

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

We are getting married in September and she would like it in the garden before we move house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6a.m., his cock wakes me up and now it's getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

...and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take any more.

...that is his excuse for dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

True Stories from British Hospitals
 
1..  A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.  I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.  Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis and I was in the wrong one. 

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow. 


2..  At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.  

 'Big breaths,' I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient. 

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's, Bath . 


3.  One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.  Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.' 

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Royal London Hosp. 


4.  During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 

'Which one ?' I asked. 

'The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' 

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.  Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!  Now, the instruction includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one. 

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General 


5.  While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?' 

After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.' 

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Maidenhead Royal , Kent . 


6.  A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation.  When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read 'Keep off the grass'. 

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.' 

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London .

Dr. wouldn't submit his name.

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.  This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £5000 per month.

My granddad started walking five miles a day when he was 60.  Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about £400.  Haven't lost a pound.  Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.

"Is this your wife Sir?"

"Yes it is, why?"

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident."

"I know, but she has a lovely personality."

My bank lets me send them a text message and it'll text back with my balance.

It's a cool feature but I didn't think the 'LOL' was necessary.

PROBABLY POLITICALLY INCOORECT, SO WE ARE DELIGHTED TO PRESENT SOME IRISH JOKES...

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

 
 

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'

 
AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . .

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
 
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
 
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

 Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana penitentiary.

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription:

'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

'Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'

  NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks!

That's real POLITICAL SPIN.

 The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."

He is a mental tourist - his mind wanders.

Have you ever been to the local zoo?
I mean as a visitor?

She looks even worse than her passport photo.

I live by my wits.
Now I know why you look so hungry.

Of course I'm listening to you don't you see me yawning?

You have a striking personality. How long has it been on strike?

It's all right to be stupid, but you're making a career out of it.

I'm a self-made man.
We accept your apology.

Why don't you go home and brush up on your ignorance?

An elderly man bursts into a priest's study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 90 years old and for the seventy years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then --wow!"

"How long has it been since your last Confession ?" asks the priest.

"I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish"

"Then why are you telling me this?"

"I'm telling everyone!"

Lastly, a couple of videos you might enjoy...

Thanks to Nigel, Mick, Mike, Terry and Trevor for some of the material.

Consult on!